Stop, Pause.

We all learn to stop and stare, even once in a while. It’s innate for us to slow down and even cease to a complete stop in times of confusion and incontinence. In this process, we work the hours searching for the answers to baffling questions, debating with ourselves the true value of things around us, and finding the true soul inside the body that we call ours. 

At the end

This world will fade away

Intelligence and money will rust

Beauty and physique will be gone

The only thing left are your friends

Only your family will be there

What will their testimony be

Will they say you have been faithful

Or will they claim not knowing you

Ask yourself if you have been humble

If you have been willing to help

Or if you have aimed only to succeed

And forgot your brothers and sisters

Only looking at your future

Neglecting the family you have in Christ

Because if that is the case

You have been living life wrong

Wrong, yes, terribly wrong

You Inspire Me

You inspire me

To be myself again

To laugh as hard as I can

To cry if I want to

To be happy

You inspire me

To look for beauty

To appreciate smiles

To listen carefully

To stare at the sky

You inspire me

To believe in wishes

To smile notwithstanding pain

To move forward

To dream of happiness

You inspire me

To love God

To love myself

To love you

To love

You inspire me//

Deep

Beyond the little rivers I have touched
Away from the misery I call my element
I seek ye still, my true self, my ego

Taken away

Just cry away

Just cry away, my dear
You don't have to look away

Just cry away, no fear

I know it sounds cliche

Just cry away, every tear

Don't let your heart go gray

I've been where you are before

And I cried, too, but not anymore

Of Love

        When young men and women hear the word love, they immediately think of its connotations: puppy love, adolescent relationships, courtship and all that things synonymous to the previous statements. But, love, if perseveringly nurtured and watered with time and communication, will bloom into a garden that exudes all the most beautiful fragrances in the world, filled with flowers of different colors and kinds. Here goes some poems and quotes that speak about sincere love, uncorrupted by worldliness and selfish desires:

Mad about the boy,
It's pretty funny but I'm mad about the boy
He has a gay appeal
that makes me feel
There may be something sad about the boy.

-Noel Coward, British dramatist, actor, and songwriter.

        Sometimes, women take on their motherly instincts and become compelled to comfort and take care of someone they barely know. That because there might be something sad about the boy, they think they are capable of satisfying the needs of the person, and ultimately making them happy. They lose themselves in the delusion that someone needs them, and later hurt themselves when the person they want to take care of declares they don’t need or don’t want any affection at all. It’s sad, but fairly realistic. :’)

JULIET Give me my Romeo: and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun.

William Shakespeare, English poet and playwright.

        Beautifully said, Shakespeare! :) Sometimes, we just can’t find enough adjectives or form the perfect sentence to correctly and adequately express the very emotions bursting from within our hearts. Shakespeare must have been in love so many times or else, he’d just be a very moody and emotional writer. :)

She looked at him, as one who awakes:
The past was a sleep, and her life began.

Robert Browning, British poet.

        When we love, we leave everything else behind and we look forward to a future of uncertainty. We take each step forward with the person we love, notwithstanding the possibility that one moment things may fall apart, the person may find another lover and walk away, or God blows a great wind of change into our lives and things turn the other way around. There is no certitude when we are in love, just the face of our beloved filling our imaginations and a heart filled with hope and faith. :)

               

PS. I’m not in love, but why am I thinking or writing these? And who are viewing my blog? O.o
The last time I checked it was I had 200++ views and now it's doubled. HAHA. Leave some comments or something naman, mga viewers. Thank you. :)

Excited :)

Going to see the people I really love really soon. <3
 I hope they miss me as much as I miss them. :D

Plus, vacation's just around the corner!
REST, see you soon. :)

That guy

When I find that guy
"na mababara ako sa maraming bagay,
paiiyakin ako,
at kagagalitan ko nang sobra..
tatakbuhan ko..

...pero hahabulin ako,
hahalikan ako sa nuo,
yayakapin ako,
at sabay bubulong:
Oh. Sorry na.
Bati na tayo, okay lang yan.
Mahal na mahal naman kita...

...kahit anong mangyari."

Siya na. <3 hahaha.
Inspired lang po. :))

Mommy Wendi,

thank you for everything.

I love you, too! :))

Lumilipas na naman ang oras

Hindi ko alam kung dapat bang ikalungkot ang paglipas ng oras. Hindi ba't ibig sabihin nito'y makakamit mo na ang mga pinakahihintay mo? Magbabago na ang lahat ng nasa paligid mo. Mawawala na ang mga prinoproblema mo ngayon. Magiging masaya ka na. Pero sa paglipas rin ng oras, napapalayo ka sa mga bagay, lugar, at taong minahal mo.

Sana, manitili ang mga kaibigan ko kait sa paglipas ng oras.
Wala lang. :)

Simplicity is Beauty.

Friends :D

Friends. May totoong friends ka ba? Depende yan. May iba’t-ibang klase naman kasi ng kaibigan at may iba’t-ibang klase rin ng tao. Some people cannot be of help to you when it comes to certain circumstances kasi hindi nga talaga nila gawain ‘yun.

May mga bagay na hindi kayang gawin ng isang tao para sa’yo pero when it comes to other things they can be very helpful naman. Some are not there to listen, they are friends in order to criticize you. Some friends value your time with them; others are contented seeing you once in a while, but you’re still in their hearts.

Some people want to have you all of the time and others are happy to see spending time with others as long as you’re happy with what you’re doing. Some friends give you little gifts that brighten up your day. Some friends need you. Some friends call you all the time for help. Some friends love to eat with you. Others enjoy shopping and visiting places with you.

Some friends are silent. Some friends are one heck of a noise. Some are decent and noble. Others are plain crazy. I’m just so thankful I have the kind of friends I have right now. No matter how difficult they are to me, they’re there for a purpose and I can’t handle losing anyone of them.

Hey, friends, wag kayong mawawala, ha? BAWAL IWANAN. >:D<

Delete Post.

Words. Some I just have to keep away. Some I have to unshare, if there's even such a word. :P
Deleting some posts. NOW. :D Start over ulit.

Thanks.

At dahil sabi ni Mommy Wendi, eto na. <3

1.)  HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME! Haha. As I look back at the past year, I can’t help but laugh at the moments I made myself cry. I also can’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheek as I look back at the days of happiness God has given. There is just so much to be thankful for. There is so much to be happy about. There are so many things that simply make me happy that I’m still alive and able to see the world. To everyone who has been a part of my life for the past 16 years, whether it was a tragic or a beautiful experience having you, thank you for the change you brought to my life. Thank you for the love and the care. Thank you for being there. Thank you, from the bottom of my soul.

Siyempre, I have to thank God for my inspiration—my family. Haha. Sa family ako kumukuha ng lakas at ng rason para ngumiti. Sometimes, when things get too hectic at school, just a memory of them puts a smile on my face. Thank you, Mama and little brother. :')

To my siblinghood, Ate Wendi, Ate Reyna, Kuya Arden and Mara Liza. Thank you for the encouragement, the advice, and the love. Kahit hindi pa tayo nagkakasama nang kumpleto, I can feel na buo pa rin tayo. Love you, mga kapatid!

To my dear family and relatives, thanks for being part of my life. You're all greatly appreciated. :)

TO MY BELOVED BATCHMATES, muwah! :)) I love you, guys. Never will I find people like you again. Thank you for the stubbornness, the craziness, and the problems you’ve brought to my life. Kahit mga baliw kayo, salamat. :)

To all my good Pisay friends, you've permanently changed me. Thank you for the knowledge, the friendships, the gifts of laughter, the appreciation, and the presence. Thank you for all the things I had to undergo because of you; these things altered me into the girl I am now. To all the Pisayers I've met: Thank you! :)

To my friends outside Pisay: Rhonna Cristelle, Charlene Mae, Gooseans, Seminarians, common friends, and everyone else. Thank you for the lessons, the laughter, and the fun we shared. I hope God blesses your lives as much as He has blessed me with you. You have put a great deal of happiness in my once plain life. Thank you. :))

Mga best friends! I must see you again soon! >:)<

And to God, who continually loves me for who I am and all that I am, thank you so, so much for all the blessings and the love. :)

2.)  Another thing to be thankful for. Research! Yes, it’s finally over. We finally have the ticket to graduate in our hands. No more worries. No more anxieties of rushing papers and accomplishing tasks on due dates. It’s both a sad memory and a happy feeling inside me when I think of Research. Sa wakas, tapos na ang problema. Wala nang kailangan pang alalahanin. Pwede na akong grumaduate. Iyan lang ang masasabi ko tungkol sa research. There are things to edit pa, pero okay na ‘yun. Basta, tapos na. Thank you, God, for the big help. :)

3.)  Being a Bible-reader and Bible-lover. I’ve only recently started enjoying time with my Bible. I tell you, it’s such a beautiful feeling to be learning things that will benefit you not only in your earthly life but also in eternity as well. I’ve learned to fear God more, to praise God more, and to love God completely. I know I still have my imperfections, but to know Jesus and the Father is a beautiful feeling. I advise anyone who is in any sad situation to turn to the Bible. ALL the answers are there; it is all written. 

Again, thanks, people. Love you! :)

Your favorite Bible verse?

Your favorite Bible verse?

Answer here

Apropos Anger

Actually, homework ko 'to sa english. Gusto ko lang i-share. :)

Anger is absent when love is bounty; thus, anger is present when love is scarce. We fill ourselves with anger when we have lost reasons to love. We are angered when people hurt us, because we love ourselves too much that we would not let other people cause us so much as a scar.
So what happens to those who are love-departed? To those who cannot perceive tough love and are blinded by indignation towards others? To the angry?
The response is “they suffer.” They curse others, they shout, they blame the innocent. But, what happens to them after they have released the negativity? Nothing. They are still empty, unloved, bitter, and blind.
Anger does not solve anything. It does not cure the crippled, nor treat the trauma. It does not remedy the misery of losing something or the sadness of separation. It only adds to the problem being faced. If you are having troubles with someone, anger is not the solution. It will not take away the stress that only communication can repair. It does not make you move forward; there is no improvement in a life of anguish.
If you are angered, you are worse than the cancer-afflicted because even with your limbs that function, you are not able to help anyone, not even yourself. People must pity you for even the beggar has something to smile about, but you, who are more fortunate, are angered. If you are angry, you are not productive.
You are not able to finish tasks on time. Your responsibilities are not properly and enthusiastically accomplished. The maximum capacity you should be able to fulfil is not achieved.
Anger stirs up hatred between you and the people involved. The ambiance becomes unpleasant and if it worsens it will be unbearable. Anger adds confusion and aloofness to a place that should be abounding in interaction and good welfare. If anger gets out of hand, it affects you and your enemy in ways larger than the cause itself.
If only people are able to withstand the anger and to let the issue fall. Then, we would all be able to live in peace. People will make better choices if they are not controlled by anger. Friends can stay friends until they pass away. Family would never fall apart and divorce would never have been devised. Lovers will never fade away. People will never leave, and others would still be alive if anger was controlled by people.
God would be more delighted in us if we were not so conceited and angry with the people around us. He would be so much happier. He would be truly proud, if only we were not fuming all the time.
A burst of anger is inevitable with all the pressures we are facing, but to let it control your life and your relationships is foolish and unexpected of the wise. People must start smiling and letting anger pass. Let love fill us instead. Let our eyes be opened and anger be put away into oblivion.

Letters to Juliet

"..the truth is.. I am madly, deeply, truly, passionately in love with you.." --Charlie, Letters To Juliet <3


LOVE STORIES. It’s been a while since I watched movies about true love. And now, I watched Letters to Juliet. A real wow. I still wonder why and how women believe in true love. Why do they seek such things they aren’t sure even exists?


Sometimes, it can just be truly painful to wait around and see couples enjoying their love for each other while you watch in the background and wonder, "wherefore art thou, Romeo?"


I don’t think I’ve experienced such kind of love as in the movie, but maybe one day I will. I hope. I’d want to meet my Romeo, but I’m too young and I want to be prepared when I meet him. I want to be the Juliet he has been dreaming of and hoping for. :))

***

Speaking of love, kachat ko si Mr.Smiley kanina.

Haven't seen him in six days. Missing him already. haha.

Adik-adik lang. xD

Why?

1. Why did I dream of being wrong about my crush? Is that an omen? Marami na kasi akong mga dreams na nagkatotoo. Sana naman hindi ito kasama sa mga 'yon. :/

2. Why do I not know what course I want? Grabe. Passing na ng UPCAT forms, hindi ko pa alam ang ilalagay ko. Actually alam ko na first choice ko, hindi ko lang alam kung ano dapat ang pansalo. >.< Yung pansalo pa ang problema ehh. Basta alam ko, med ang kukunin ko. Ewan na.

3. Why do I miss YOU sooo much. Haha. LOLS.

4. Why am I so tamad to wake up na on school days. Dati naman kaya ko gumising ng 3-4 am. Ngayon, regular time na ay 5:30 to 6. Haay. Ang tamad ko na bumangon.

5. Bakit ang bigat ng combat boots? :o Nararamdaman ko lang ang ginhawa sa buhay kapag natanggal ko na ang mga sintas at eventually ang mga itim na medyas. Ay, lol, haha, nag-rhyme?

6. Bakit ang saya-saya ko these days? O talagang mababaw lang ang kaligayahan ko? Haha.

7. Why are people so full of pride? Why is hypocrisy in everyone's heart? Why is the majority always right? Why is the minority always belittled? Discrimination and Racism are losers. Ugh.

8. Why am I still up, asking these randomly stupid questions? o.o

Huh. Mornight. ~~

TOO EXCITED, TOO BORED

294 days daw?


Tama ba bilang nila? Haha. Yan na ang mga natitirang araw ng Batch 2012 sa Pisay. Ang OA, noh? First week pa lang nagbibilang na ng mga ganyan. HAHA. Pano kasi, yung mga teachers mismo ang nagpapaalala na huling taon na namin. At si CS teacher rin ang nagsabi na March 28 ang tentative date ng aming pag-march.


Haaay. Ohwell. Masyado na akong excited for college. I want to leave this place na ang I want to go some place na walang nakakakilala sa akin. Haha. Wala lang.. xD Gusto ko lang makakilala ng new people pero at the same time find what I'm really here on earth for. (Toinks! WEH. Dumadrama ka, Hanna?? Hahaha.)


Napakaboring na kasi ng high school. Oo. May mga requirements, projects, dues, and so on, pero there's nothing thrilling about high school na. Wala nang bago. Kami na rin ang pinakamatanda sa school. Haha. o.o Ohnerrrs.


UPDATES:
Section: PHOTON!
Initiation: RUBY!~


Ps. Birthday ng aking biological brother bukas!
Happy birthday, Gio! :) Kahit alam kong hindi mo mababasa 'to. :P

A Lesson from Econ

As I was doing Econ homework last night, a quote grabbed me: “Decisions have opportunity costs because choosing one thing in a world of scarcity means giving up something else.”

Okay. So, uhm, I bumped or maybe, crashed into somebody a few months ago. Let me just shorten it to "Nagkabastusan." And there, a fire was ignited.

Days and days passed and I forgot about it and let it go. I didn’t even care anymore. I just shrugged it off.

BUT HE DIDN’T.

Until now, he drops these little hints that he hates me or doesn’t want me around and how I am disrespectful and so on… I thought he was noble and RELIGIOUS enough to let it pass. But, I guess he isn’t.

I hate this. I hate it when people have so much pride in them that they won’t forgive others. Akala mo naman kung sino silang magaling, ah?

Okay, so the connection with the quote is that I will not bother settling the problem now. Not yet. I’m too busy. I already have enough schoolwork to be stressful about and I don’t need an arrogant person like him getting in the way. I will give up fixing things with him so that I can be prepared and ready for other school problems that will be coming. God will give me the strength to approach him when He will. But, right now I have my studies to focus on.

There will be a time that I will realize I have to fix it already. But, that isn’t now. I don’t care and I don’t want to care if he hates me. I’m already trying to be better; I just hope he realizes that and not be blinded by his first impression, his pride, and the rumors he knows about me.

Besides, he might change his mind sooner or later so I'm saving myself the trouble and wait for God to do his magic tricks. :)

HUH. WHY IS IT THAT AFTER I JUMP OVER AN OBSTACLE, ANOTHER ONE POPS UP. >:(

Ang buhay ay parang SWIMMING :)

Ang buhay ay parang SWIMMING :)

Two nights in a row kami nagswimming ng aking mga pinsan at pamangkin. Atleast, before the end of summer, na-experience ko ang lumangoy-langoy at mag-enjoy sa ilalim ng tubig. :)

Ang buhay ay parang SWIMMING. Why? Well, marami akong reasons for that.

#1 Remember the quote “Flow with the current, but go against the bad tide?” Hindi naman kailangan maging professional swimmer eh, pero kung alam mo kung kelan ka dapat huminto at bumalik na sa dalampasigan, mabubuhay ka sa tubig.

#2 May mga limitations pa rin. There will always be that line that will say “you have gone too far, go back.” Huwag kasi tayong masyadong pasaway. Do not be blinded by the challenge of going further. You have to think of your safety, too.

#3 In connection with number two, huwag nating pilitin ang ating mga sarili. Kung alam mong wala ka pang 5 feet, huwag ka nang umasang kaya mo pa sa 6 or 7 feet. Unless magaling ka nga talagang lumangoy, huwag subukang ipahamak ang sarili.

#4 SA MALAYO AY MAY PATING. Meron talagang mga pating at iba pang mga mababangis na hayop, kaya kung hindi ka mag-iingat, baka mawalan ka ng paa or braso, o kaya nama’y malamon nang buo.

#5 Para maenjoy ang buhay, minsan kailangan mo talagang maka-inom ng chlorinated water ng pool o kaya naman ng contaminated water ng dagat. Parte yun ng buhay, kung hindi mo iyon mapagdadaanan, hindi ka magiging masaya. Wala nang thrill. These kinds of pain are part of swimming. There is no happiness in swimming without them. :)

#6 May mga oras na sasakit talaga ang mga mata mo sa pagmulat ng mga ito sa ilalim ng tubig. Huwag mabahala. Mabuti nang sumakit ang mga mata, kesa mapariwara o mawala sa landas. Mahirap nang mapalayo kapag asa ilalim ka ng tubig. Marami ngang pating, diba? :)

#7 Always swim with friends or family. Ano ang silbe ng paglalangoy ng mag-isa? Kanino ka magpapakitang-gilas? Sino kasama mong lumangoy? Kanino mo masasabing “Masaya pala” kung wala ka namang kasama? GRABEEEH. BAWAL ANG EMO SA LIFE.

#8 At syempre, the most beautiful analogy I can think of between life and swimming is laging mayroong Lifeguard. Hindi ka Niya pababayaan. Kung nagkamali ka man, andiyan Siya. Kung nalulunod ka man, itry mo lang sumigaw o magtaas ng kamay, darating Siya. No doubt.

Hindi ko na ie-expound. Pag-isipan na lang.~

So, Goodbye

Admit it how you’re confused as well

Because nothing will change why I fell

You may see me differently now

But I hope you understand me somehow

May I mend your broken heart

That it won’t break when we part

So that all you would feel is longing

That I will always share the feeling

Don’t think that I left you behind

You will always be one of a kind

I’ll always have you with me

I’ll never forget what we used to be

But I can’t continue fooling reality

We can’t keep hiding things for eternity

I have to find my personal pair

One I can be with and would not compare

You know for a fact that we’re not meant to be

Please let’s make each other free

Letting go will be a harsh difficulty

But it’s the best for us, really

Love wasn’t the relationship for us

We were such in a hurry and rush

I still feel we’re connected in a way

But only as a friend I can stay

So I have to say goodbye to you

Because life says we have to be true

I can’t keep deceiving my unconsciousness

Because then, I’ll never achieve true happiness

*Trust me, reader. Freedom is beautiful. <3

Phireworks~

**Haha. La lang. Things that I do when I'm bored. <3

Day 19

Written May 24, 2011**

I suddenly had a burst of thoughts to write about. :)

Today, I bought a book called “Strength for Today” by John MacArthur and I’m recommending it to anyone who wants more depth in their faith and more understanding of what the Scripture says.

Anyway, it’s a daily devotional book and I’m already 143 days late. So, I decided that I would read 7-10 days a day. Soon, I will be able to catch up, unlike other books I’ve bought and tried to finish, but weren’t as interesting as this. Okay, so I’m going to make this post short since it’s already late. :) [Time check 9:54 PM] :D

Day 19 or January 19 speaks about Christ’s Gentle example. Many people think that when Jesus was around, he was a gentle heart. He was; but, not the way most people think, I guess. He was gentle even when He was hurt or disrespected. He did not care about himself. He was neither selfish nor self-centered. But, when it was the Father who was dishonoured, he was furious. He was angered. {Read the Matthew 26-27 in the Bible to understand the story of Jesus at the Temple}

This is where my thoughts came in. I think we should be more sensitive on how and when we get mad. We must control ourselves and keep calm. We are imperfect. We may not appreciate criticisms, but we don’t really see ourselves from the outside, so it’s not proper for us to get mad if people say bad things about us.

It is only when our Father is violated that we must talk back and fight back. When we hear people claim the wrong things about our Creator, that’s when we really have to stand up and do something to make the True Words of our Father known. When people say that the bad is good, we should strongly oppose and state otherwise.

Another line that struck me in the passage was “Jesus forgave those who crucified Him. How can we do any less to those who hurt us?” WOW. I can super relate to this. I have so many pain and grudges against people. With all the pain they have caused me and all the changes they made in my life, I couldn’t help but think they are unforgiveable. But, if the Son is able to resist anger and forgive those who have caused him excruciating pain, shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t we?

I’m ending this with another question: If you have experienced the difficulty of asking for forgiveness from a dear friend, aren’t you supposed to understand those people who are asking forgiveness from you?

Ps. I know. I’m a very dynamic person. One day, I can be mad and cussing and furious and then the next day I’m talking about religious matters. :D Bipolar, remember? xD {Time check: 10:07 PM}

Queen Bee Is Busy~

Hmm. Too many things to do. Research. Review Center Classes. Reading load. And so much more..
It's so sad that I can't update this thing all of the time.
Anyway, whoever reads this or passes by, hope you find something uplifting or good.
K, bye. God bless. :)

Left Behind

Left behind

The choco just cooled

I left it standing alone

The window open

It was raining. I was editing some writings and had a cup of fat free cocoa milk in my hand. It was the perfect partner during such tearful weather; its warmth made me really comfortable even with the winds blowing through my hair.

Then, my mom called me to help her with PVZ. Yeah, I know. Why in the world is she playing such games? Well, it’s my silly brother’s fault. He introduced it to her and now she’s even more addicted to it as I was more than a year ago. (Smiles).

With all the fun I was having with PVZ, enjoying one of my favourite games before, I left my cocoa milk sitting in the cold. Sad. Alone. With nothing but the cold air taking away its warmth. I got guilty and now I’m writing this.

I wonder, since I’ve done this to my faithful cup of cocoa, have I done it unknowingly to people around me as well? Have I left people when they needed me? Have I abandoned those who wanted me to be with them at certain times of need? I hope not. I wish I haven’t. But, I guess, I’m not really sure.

I’m saying I hope I haven’t left people before because I know what it feels like for people to turn their back on you. It’s probably more painful that how I experienced it. Some leave you forever, but that’s life. Others leave you because they don’t want to look back. Their future seems to be brighter than their past. And they’re blinded by it. Huh, stupid, stinking fishes! **Pinoy proverb, remember?**

Okay. So, I’m going to take this opportunity to ask for an apology to anyone I’ve left, abandoned, forsaken, or whatsoever. Here goes:

Sorry. I know I can be heartless. I can be ruthless and dead-heartened.

But, I’m sorry now. I didn’t know. I was so busy think of myself and being selfish, that I forgot you. I’m sorry and I hope I can come back. I was blind.

I hope anyone who is in pain reads this, anyone who has felt how hard it is to be left behind without anyone to hold on to, and anyone who just needs to be cared for. Be brave. Be strong. I’ve been there before, but I’m here. God’s here.

Isipin mo na lang

Dahil nawalan ako ng napakaimportanteng bagay, masama ang loob ko. Sobra. Hindi maipinta ang mukha ko sobrang kunot at sobrang simangot. Parang napakalaking issue sa akin ang nangyari. Pero naisip ko:

Atleast hindi bahay ko ang nawala. Hindi kami nasunugan at walang nasaktan. Hindi naman ako nawalan ng mahal sa buhay.

Hindi ako gutom sa kalye at namamalimos. Hindi ko inaalala ang sakit ng tiyan at hindi ko pinag-iisipan kung saan ulit kukuha ng pera upang makakain. Hindi ako kapus-palad.

Wala akong cancer. Wala akong anumang malalang sakit na makakapagpaikli ng aking buhay. Marami pa akong panahon.

Hindi ako natutulog sa kalsada. Hindi ako natutulog sa simento. May kutsyon kami sa bahay at may unan akong yakap gabi-gabi.

Hindi ako lumaki sa bundok o sa lugar na malayo sa komunidad. Marunong ako at matalino. Isa akong iskolar at marami pa akong malalaman. Magaling ako at may maipagmamayabang na hindi nabibili ng pera o nanakaw sa tindahan.

Marunong akong mag-computer/laptop, mag-photoshop, gumamit ng digital camera, DSLR, microwave oven, mag-switch ng aircon, mag-internet, mag-blog, mag-plurk, mag-twitter, mag-Fb, manamit ng hindi baduy, nakakaintindi at nakakapagsalita ng English fluently, at idagdag niyo na lahat ng dala ng teknolohiya.

Atleast, panandalian lamang itong problema ko. Desisyon ko na kung magiging malungkot ako ng mahabang panahon. Pero, kung iisipin, marami pa akong magagawa.

May nanay akong nagmamahal sa akin. May kapatid akong nangungulit araw-araw. May mga kaibigan akong umiintindi. May mga kaaway akong backstabbers non-stop. May mga teacher akong nagmo-motivate. Meron din namang kinamumuhian ko (minsan). May mga naiingit sa akin. At may mga kina-iinggitan din ako. Sikat ako. Haha.

May Diyos ako. At takot ako.

Hindi naman namomroblema ang mga kaibigan ko, yung mga hindi kumukuha ng mga litrato at video kaya wala silang dapat mawala. Iisipin ko na lang, na wala akong kinuhang video, wala akong kinuhang litrato, wala akong nawala. Kunwari, ganun na lang.

Dahil lahat naman ng laman nun, ako ang kumuha, ako ang nagpinta, ako ang pinagmulan, kung nawala man lahat ng iyon, hindi naman nawala ang talento at abilidad ko.

Buti na lang at yun lang ang nawala sa akin. Tatlong taon lang naman yun eh at hindi nakakamatay. May mga taong lahat ng mga gawa nila ay nawala, lahat ng dalawampung-taon na pinaghirapan nila. May mga taong ibibigay ang kahit ano para malagay sa kinaroroonan ko. Maswerte pa ako.

At~

**drama mode** Kahit masakit man sa aking kaloob-looban na nangyari iyon na parang gusto ko na ring mawala, hindi ko maitatagong nangyari naman ang lahat ng iyon, hindi naman iyon imahinasyon, nakatatak na iyon sa isip ko at nakaukit sa panahon. Hindi ko man maaalala ang mga nangyari sa pagtingin sa mga litrato at video, nakatago naman sila sa isang silid sa isipan ko, sa hypothalamus man o sa amygdala, hindi sila mabubura. **the end**

Just a Ghost

Just when it was the darkest

You meet a man of your dreams

Unexpectedly charming you

He looks you into the eye and you smile

You can’t help but stare back at him

His eyes are a beautiful brown

It doesn’t take very long at all

You two fall in love

He comes every night to sing to you

His voice, a melody that envelopes you

Only he can sing like that

And put a smile on your face as you sleep

He brings flowers, too

And you accept each petal

He brings you sumptuous food

You eat together under the stars

One night, like always

He comes into your room

And he lands a kiss on you

That you will never forget at all

When you wake up

He is already gone and you think

Was it all a dream that he stayed

That he said goodbye already

That night you wait in vain

But he never came

You waited again for signs

But it always rained

One evening you just get tired

You lose all your hope

And then you remember

What those old ladies say

Have you met your ghost?

Nalulungkot

Naiiyak.

Nasasaktan.

Nalulungkot.

About the Phiremaker.

            Haha. It took me ten posts to finally get interested in creating an "About Me" entry. I got so interested in writing and now, it's longer than it should be. : ) Here it goes:

            Hi! The name is Miss Hanna Thea. Hanna comes from the bible which means “a gift from God”, which is what I think I am, most of the time. I come from the province of Princess Urduja and I speak Filipino, English, Pangasinense/Pangalatok, some Sarcasm and a bit of Profanity. I’m not so sure how to describe myself because sometimes I’m not even sure of myself at all. I would describe myself with the basic things that are pretty obvious already but I can hardly be accurate when it comes to a deep level.

            I celebrate my life on the 1^st of September and I’ve always been proud of this day. My birthstone is the blue Sapphire, the inspiration to the blog. **Phireworks** My zodiac sign says I am kind and sympathetic but like to criticize and point out people’s mistakes, which I do admit. I can be fun to be around, but I can be very secretive at times. I always want to keep myself hidden so I wouldn’t end up getting hurt or being meddled with. **Less interaction, less confusion, less heartaches.**

            I tend to bottle up my feelings in front of many people and release all the hurt into creations such as graphics, photos, poems, essays, and other stuff that I make. I hardly show my true emotions; I express all that I feel into all my work. This makes my creations very personal and unique, I think. I have good memory when it comes to little details.

            I love a wide array of things. I listen to different songs; I listen to any song that truly speaks to me and defines my feelings at the time. I read books here and there. I’ve read and loved the Twilight series. I love pillows! I enjoy a lot of food, too! ~Which probably explains the body that I have? Haha. I do my work well and I’m very confident; but sometimes, I get too confident that I don’t do work anymore (sadly). But, I’m often able to motivate my own self. A lot of quotes inspire me. I read them and share them on twitter and plurk.

            I want people to know me through my words and through what I explain, not with the things I do and the mistakes I make. I want to be an Oncologist someday, to save those little girls from a life that I lived. I want to be, most of all, an inspiration to those who are deciding to break apart instead of growing beautifully although painfully.~

            Gosh. I have so much more to say about what I want, what I like, what I feel, and all that, but if I continue writing, I would not be able to do all these wonderful things I waste my time on. (Smiling.) Okay. Bye for now. Thanks for reading anyway. 

All Goodbyes Hurt Like Hell

BYE BYE HD.

            If starting over means leaving everything about the past behind, then I don’t want to start over anymore (You’d get me if you’ve read my first post). Why is it that every time I want to try getting back up, I step on something, slide on it, and fall back down? Why is it that whenever I try to improve myself I would always find something that would tell me right to the face that I have no more to move forward? Why is it when I am most praying and hoping to God that he decides to take so much from my hands, when I already feel like I have nothing. My HD is the only thing that keeps my pride up because of all the data I have in it. Those data made me proud. They made me feel like I have something that others don’t. They made me think people would need me, that people would want something from me, that people would remember me as a person who helped them by providing data that reminded of beautiful moments and unforgettable events. Now, I just feel stupid and empty.

            I remember a quote that spoke “Everything, beautiful or tragic, has a purpose.” As much as it tears me to pieces, wala na akong magagawa. It crushes my heart when I remember all those that I lost. It was like three years of my life was erased. Those photos, videos, and documents are the only proof that those things actually happened in my life. And now, I feel like everything was just a dream. Nakakasakit ng ulo tuwing naaalala ko. (Please insert tears here. L) And of course, it makes me cry my eyes out.

            This, happening for the second time, just reminds me that just about anything can happen. It isn’t your choice what happens next. No amount of preparation can give you what you want.  No effort can get you there without God’s permission. God can put anything into your life. God can change it whenever He wants to and He always tests you in how you deal with it. He always tries to squeeze out all the good things out of you. He loves you so much and sometimes he gives you so much tough love, too. I often question myself: how much tough love I can take? How much squeezing can I endure? How much pain is left for me to carry? Is the series of bad things going to end or has it just begun?

            I’m so sick of all this madness around me. The confusion. The pain it brings my chest. The drastic changes that come and I can only cope with them if I numb my heart. One day, I would feel so good and full of life, and then the next day I would be dying of somebody’s constant, unending nagging, panunumbat, or backstabs. One day I start to feel okay, so I keep still and quiet, but then the next day, my stupid HD decides to give up on me and takes all my data with it (like a person I’m so in love with but is actually a treacherous thief and runs away stealing all that I own). One day, I feel so blessed, but the next days would seem to slam to my face that I’m helpless and nothing can help me now.

            Does anyone feel me? Does anyone even understand what I’m talking about? Does anyone care? I don’t want to be told that I’m not doing my best. I don’t want to be told that I screwed everything up. I don’t want to be told that I’m wrong. Sometimes, I just want to be told that I am amazing. Sometimes, I just want to be told that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes, I just want to be told that I can be right and that I deserve all that I have.

            Sadly, I'm pretty emotional these days. Even the little things start to bother me and I don't know why. I do pray every day and I go to church every Sunday, but I just am so sad since the breakdown. Anybody out there? Help me. :(

I am sad and broken-hearted

     There are those moments in your life that you don't expect to arrive or to happen. Sometimes, you don't even know they happen until you turn around and realize that everything else has changed with them. It sucks. So, so bad. Especially when that sort of things that happen in your life are completely irreversible.

     The most heart-breaking moment happened to me for the second time. I cried my eyes out when it first happened two years ago in an accident. Yesterday, my external hard drive decided to give up on me again. I almost broke down to tears, but maybe because I've experienced it before I didn't and I just sulked in the corner trying to figure out what I did wrong this time.

     I did not even drop the thing. I did not throw it. I did not open it up. I did not tamper with it. I did not meddle with it in whatsoever way. I am deeply in love with my external HD. I would not do anything to destroy it or break it. Three years worth of files including music, photos, videos, and documents are inside that hard drive and just to lose them in an instant makes me want do die with it. It was like those three years were taken from me and they might not come back.

     The first time this happened to me, I know it was my fault. I accidentally dropped it and thus the pressure killed the poor thing. I cried for hours when that happened and I remember people staring at me and wondering what had happened. That night, I felt so empty. I had more than eight gigabytes of photos and a few more gig of other documents and music. It was really tear-jerking and heart-crushing. I did not know what to do. It was a tragedy.

     Now, since I know that it was not of my misuse that the external drive crashed, we're bringing it to where we bought it so that we could be helped in fixing it and/or to get my data recovered. I want those data back and I don't really care right now whether it's going to be expensive or not. I just need them back. BADLY. Oh please, God, help me.

     To whoever is reading this, will you please pray for me? Thank you soo much. K, bye.

Nothing like the first time

     I’ve been really bored during the few days, so I asked people what they think I should do. Some said I should watch movies, but since I didn’t have new ones with me, I decided to try watching old movies that I had in my external HD. When I started, I kept on skipping from one movie to the next, but I can’t seem to be finishing any. Finally, I gave up. I realized some things are only wonderful the first time and there are so many things in life that are only exciting if you’ve never done it before such as reading a new book, eating exotic food, or creating an artwork that’s new.

     Maybe it’s because of the thrill and excitement of what will come of it that gets us going until the end. It does not bother us whether we should continue or not because we are too excited to find out to even wait. We are not conscious of going too far or falling into something since we have not passed that way before. It’s often the curiosity of what is going to come up next that makes us unafraid of stepping into unknown grounds.

     Then, on the second try, different things happen when we encounter the event again. If we have enjoyed it so much the first time, we would be too thrilled to get to the end that we skip the joy of going through every step of the process. We only want to get to the fun part and we forget that the difficult parts are important, too. Some people, on the other hand, would lose all excitement of the first try that they don’t even bother going through it again. This may be because they got frightened or got hurt the first time that they have developed a phobia instead.

     Either way, I think the lesson is that some things may not ever happen again. Or even if they do, the beauty of beginning and experiencing it for the first time disappears once you finally see what’s waiting for you on the other end of the journey. Few people would have the same enthusiasm for doing something for the second time. The emotion that the event or journey brings us during the first time has a different intensity the next time you try it. If it’s excitement, it may lessen; if it’s fear, it may strengthen.

     So, I think we should always enjoy the first time: first rollercoaster ride, first dance, first kiss, first love, first trip abroad, etc. It’s not just for the joy of it, but also because the first time cannot be changed. You can no longer put anything before it once it’s there. It can no longer be changed to the second or third. It will always be the first, no more, no less. //

Crazy little poems I make: Puzzled with love

A puzzled piece I am, with crooked edge
Unique beyond the eyes of those who see
Confused of what the others say I am
No place to show them what I really can
The picture isn’t clear what I must be
No peace of mind to see, no clarity
I only have much time, but time not free
I’m running out of time, much like a prix
No precious moment wasted with regret
Each time too costly, squander with no fret
Though much like every puzzle that I know
Just bit by bit, my little world will grow
And all that I must do is find my pair
Our perfect match is best, our life we’d share

Crazy little poems I make

   So, you may have heard of the movie Crazy Little Thing Called Love; well, I was inspired :)). I have these poems in my computer that I have written at least 6 months ago or so. It was a silly time when I had to deal with so much crap and drama because of love and friendship.

    Many people experience love, the kind of love that fills you with kilig vibes, makes you skip your meals and leaves you smiling in your sleep even when the day wasn’t so perfect. It was also that kind of love, along with the drama and separation that came with it, that inspired me to write these poems that are a product of my emotions.

    I haven’t fallen deeply in love yet, but the kind of love I experienced was one that shook my little world. I was young and there were many times that I did not have a clue on what to do. It was every bit how people who got their hearts broken described it. But, the good things that came out of it were life lessons, a stronger heart, experience and a series of poems.

    I think my poems say a lot. I think they describe deep emotions that only erupt when you reach the peak of that crazy thing called Love. And to be honest, love is truly one heck of a ride, so you have to hold on or you’d be taken away by it.

    I shall be posting my poems one by one. Tell me what you think, thanks. :>

Pieces of my heart

     Maybe some things never last. But, come to think of it, the things that don't last are the things that were never really meant to be. Maybe I never had love stories that lasted, but at least they have taught me that God always finds a way to put a piece of love into my life. Sometimes he takes it away, but takes it back... just because he found a piece that will fit much better. And when he can't find a big piece, he finds little pieces of love so that my life is filled with little, but many good things. So that when he has to take something away, I won't lose something so big, and so great a part of my life, but a few little pieces. That might not hurt as much. *Sigh*

     What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. 
     Mark 10:9