All Goodbyes Hurt Like Hell

BYE BYE HD.

            If starting over means leaving everything about the past behind, then I don’t want to start over anymore (You’d get me if you’ve read my first post). Why is it that every time I want to try getting back up, I step on something, slide on it, and fall back down? Why is it that whenever I try to improve myself I would always find something that would tell me right to the face that I have no more to move forward? Why is it when I am most praying and hoping to God that he decides to take so much from my hands, when I already feel like I have nothing. My HD is the only thing that keeps my pride up because of all the data I have in it. Those data made me proud. They made me feel like I have something that others don’t. They made me think people would need me, that people would want something from me, that people would remember me as a person who helped them by providing data that reminded of beautiful moments and unforgettable events. Now, I just feel stupid and empty.

            I remember a quote that spoke “Everything, beautiful or tragic, has a purpose.” As much as it tears me to pieces, wala na akong magagawa. It crushes my heart when I remember all those that I lost. It was like three years of my life was erased. Those photos, videos, and documents are the only proof that those things actually happened in my life. And now, I feel like everything was just a dream. Nakakasakit ng ulo tuwing naaalala ko. (Please insert tears here. L) And of course, it makes me cry my eyes out.

            This, happening for the second time, just reminds me that just about anything can happen. It isn’t your choice what happens next. No amount of preparation can give you what you want.  No effort can get you there without God’s permission. God can put anything into your life. God can change it whenever He wants to and He always tests you in how you deal with it. He always tries to squeeze out all the good things out of you. He loves you so much and sometimes he gives you so much tough love, too. I often question myself: how much tough love I can take? How much squeezing can I endure? How much pain is left for me to carry? Is the series of bad things going to end or has it just begun?

            I’m so sick of all this madness around me. The confusion. The pain it brings my chest. The drastic changes that come and I can only cope with them if I numb my heart. One day, I would feel so good and full of life, and then the next day I would be dying of somebody’s constant, unending nagging, panunumbat, or backstabs. One day I start to feel okay, so I keep still and quiet, but then the next day, my stupid HD decides to give up on me and takes all my data with it (like a person I’m so in love with but is actually a treacherous thief and runs away stealing all that I own). One day, I feel so blessed, but the next days would seem to slam to my face that I’m helpless and nothing can help me now.

            Does anyone feel me? Does anyone even understand what I’m talking about? Does anyone care? I don’t want to be told that I’m not doing my best. I don’t want to be told that I screwed everything up. I don’t want to be told that I’m wrong. Sometimes, I just want to be told that I am amazing. Sometimes, I just want to be told that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes, I just want to be told that I can be right and that I deserve all that I have.

            Sadly, I'm pretty emotional these days. Even the little things start to bother me and I don't know why. I do pray every day and I go to church every Sunday, but I just am so sad since the breakdown. Anybody out there? Help me. :(