All Goodbyes Hurt Like Hell

BYE BYE HD.

            If starting over means leaving everything about the past behind, then I don’t want to start over anymore (You’d get me if you’ve read my first post). Why is it that every time I want to try getting back up, I step on something, slide on it, and fall back down? Why is it that whenever I try to improve myself I would always find something that would tell me right to the face that I have no more to move forward? Why is it when I am most praying and hoping to God that he decides to take so much from my hands, when I already feel like I have nothing. My HD is the only thing that keeps my pride up because of all the data I have in it. Those data made me proud. They made me feel like I have something that others don’t. They made me think people would need me, that people would want something from me, that people would remember me as a person who helped them by providing data that reminded of beautiful moments and unforgettable events. Now, I just feel stupid and empty.

            I remember a quote that spoke “Everything, beautiful or tragic, has a purpose.” As much as it tears me to pieces, wala na akong magagawa. It crushes my heart when I remember all those that I lost. It was like three years of my life was erased. Those photos, videos, and documents are the only proof that those things actually happened in my life. And now, I feel like everything was just a dream. Nakakasakit ng ulo tuwing naaalala ko. (Please insert tears here. L) And of course, it makes me cry my eyes out.

            This, happening for the second time, just reminds me that just about anything can happen. It isn’t your choice what happens next. No amount of preparation can give you what you want.  No effort can get you there without God’s permission. God can put anything into your life. God can change it whenever He wants to and He always tests you in how you deal with it. He always tries to squeeze out all the good things out of you. He loves you so much and sometimes he gives you so much tough love, too. I often question myself: how much tough love I can take? How much squeezing can I endure? How much pain is left for me to carry? Is the series of bad things going to end or has it just begun?

            I’m so sick of all this madness around me. The confusion. The pain it brings my chest. The drastic changes that come and I can only cope with them if I numb my heart. One day, I would feel so good and full of life, and then the next day I would be dying of somebody’s constant, unending nagging, panunumbat, or backstabs. One day I start to feel okay, so I keep still and quiet, but then the next day, my stupid HD decides to give up on me and takes all my data with it (like a person I’m so in love with but is actually a treacherous thief and runs away stealing all that I own). One day, I feel so blessed, but the next days would seem to slam to my face that I’m helpless and nothing can help me now.

            Does anyone feel me? Does anyone even understand what I’m talking about? Does anyone care? I don’t want to be told that I’m not doing my best. I don’t want to be told that I screwed everything up. I don’t want to be told that I’m wrong. Sometimes, I just want to be told that I am amazing. Sometimes, I just want to be told that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes, I just want to be told that I can be right and that I deserve all that I have.

            Sadly, I'm pretty emotional these days. Even the little things start to bother me and I don't know why. I do pray every day and I go to church every Sunday, but I just am so sad since the breakdown. Anybody out there? Help me. :(

I am sad and broken-hearted

     There are those moments in your life that you don't expect to arrive or to happen. Sometimes, you don't even know they happen until you turn around and realize that everything else has changed with them. It sucks. So, so bad. Especially when that sort of things that happen in your life are completely irreversible.

     The most heart-breaking moment happened to me for the second time. I cried my eyes out when it first happened two years ago in an accident. Yesterday, my external hard drive decided to give up on me again. I almost broke down to tears, but maybe because I've experienced it before I didn't and I just sulked in the corner trying to figure out what I did wrong this time.

     I did not even drop the thing. I did not throw it. I did not open it up. I did not tamper with it. I did not meddle with it in whatsoever way. I am deeply in love with my external HD. I would not do anything to destroy it or break it. Three years worth of files including music, photos, videos, and documents are inside that hard drive and just to lose them in an instant makes me want do die with it. It was like those three years were taken from me and they might not come back.

     The first time this happened to me, I know it was my fault. I accidentally dropped it and thus the pressure killed the poor thing. I cried for hours when that happened and I remember people staring at me and wondering what had happened. That night, I felt so empty. I had more than eight gigabytes of photos and a few more gig of other documents and music. It was really tear-jerking and heart-crushing. I did not know what to do. It was a tragedy.

     Now, since I know that it was not of my misuse that the external drive crashed, we're bringing it to where we bought it so that we could be helped in fixing it and/or to get my data recovered. I want those data back and I don't really care right now whether it's going to be expensive or not. I just need them back. BADLY. Oh please, God, help me.

     To whoever is reading this, will you please pray for me? Thank you soo much. K, bye.

Nothing like the first time

     I’ve been really bored during the few days, so I asked people what they think I should do. Some said I should watch movies, but since I didn’t have new ones with me, I decided to try watching old movies that I had in my external HD. When I started, I kept on skipping from one movie to the next, but I can’t seem to be finishing any. Finally, I gave up. I realized some things are only wonderful the first time and there are so many things in life that are only exciting if you’ve never done it before such as reading a new book, eating exotic food, or creating an artwork that’s new.

     Maybe it’s because of the thrill and excitement of what will come of it that gets us going until the end. It does not bother us whether we should continue or not because we are too excited to find out to even wait. We are not conscious of going too far or falling into something since we have not passed that way before. It’s often the curiosity of what is going to come up next that makes us unafraid of stepping into unknown grounds.

     Then, on the second try, different things happen when we encounter the event again. If we have enjoyed it so much the first time, we would be too thrilled to get to the end that we skip the joy of going through every step of the process. We only want to get to the fun part and we forget that the difficult parts are important, too. Some people, on the other hand, would lose all excitement of the first try that they don’t even bother going through it again. This may be because they got frightened or got hurt the first time that they have developed a phobia instead.

     Either way, I think the lesson is that some things may not ever happen again. Or even if they do, the beauty of beginning and experiencing it for the first time disappears once you finally see what’s waiting for you on the other end of the journey. Few people would have the same enthusiasm for doing something for the second time. The emotion that the event or journey brings us during the first time has a different intensity the next time you try it. If it’s excitement, it may lessen; if it’s fear, it may strengthen.

     So, I think we should always enjoy the first time: first rollercoaster ride, first dance, first kiss, first love, first trip abroad, etc. It’s not just for the joy of it, but also because the first time cannot be changed. You can no longer put anything before it once it’s there. It can no longer be changed to the second or third. It will always be the first, no more, no less. //

Crazy little poems I make: Puzzled with love

A puzzled piece I am, with crooked edge
Unique beyond the eyes of those who see
Confused of what the others say I am
No place to show them what I really can
The picture isn’t clear what I must be
No peace of mind to see, no clarity
I only have much time, but time not free
I’m running out of time, much like a prix
No precious moment wasted with regret
Each time too costly, squander with no fret
Though much like every puzzle that I know
Just bit by bit, my little world will grow
And all that I must do is find my pair
Our perfect match is best, our life we’d share

Crazy little poems I make

   So, you may have heard of the movie Crazy Little Thing Called Love; well, I was inspired :)). I have these poems in my computer that I have written at least 6 months ago or so. It was a silly time when I had to deal with so much crap and drama because of love and friendship.

    Many people experience love, the kind of love that fills you with kilig vibes, makes you skip your meals and leaves you smiling in your sleep even when the day wasn’t so perfect. It was also that kind of love, along with the drama and separation that came with it, that inspired me to write these poems that are a product of my emotions.

    I haven’t fallen deeply in love yet, but the kind of love I experienced was one that shook my little world. I was young and there were many times that I did not have a clue on what to do. It was every bit how people who got their hearts broken described it. But, the good things that came out of it were life lessons, a stronger heart, experience and a series of poems.

    I think my poems say a lot. I think they describe deep emotions that only erupt when you reach the peak of that crazy thing called Love. And to be honest, love is truly one heck of a ride, so you have to hold on or you’d be taken away by it.

    I shall be posting my poems one by one. Tell me what you think, thanks. :>

Pieces of my heart

     Maybe some things never last. But, come to think of it, the things that don't last are the things that were never really meant to be. Maybe I never had love stories that lasted, but at least they have taught me that God always finds a way to put a piece of love into my life. Sometimes he takes it away, but takes it back... just because he found a piece that will fit much better. And when he can't find a big piece, he finds little pieces of love so that my life is filled with little, but many good things. So that when he has to take something away, I won't lose something so big, and so great a part of my life, but a few little pieces. That might not hurt as much. *Sigh*

     What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. 
     Mark 10:9