So, Goodbye

Admit it how you’re confused as well

Because nothing will change why I fell

You may see me differently now

But I hope you understand me somehow

May I mend your broken heart

That it won’t break when we part

So that all you would feel is longing

That I will always share the feeling

Don’t think that I left you behind

You will always be one of a kind

I’ll always have you with me

I’ll never forget what we used to be

But I can’t continue fooling reality

We can’t keep hiding things for eternity

I have to find my personal pair

One I can be with and would not compare

You know for a fact that we’re not meant to be

Please let’s make each other free

Letting go will be a harsh difficulty

But it’s the best for us, really

Love wasn’t the relationship for us

We were such in a hurry and rush

I still feel we’re connected in a way

But only as a friend I can stay

So I have to say goodbye to you

Because life says we have to be true

I can’t keep deceiving my unconsciousness

Because then, I’ll never achieve true happiness

*Trust me, reader. Freedom is beautiful. <3

Phireworks~

**Haha. La lang. Things that I do when I'm bored. <3

Day 19

Written May 24, 2011**

I suddenly had a burst of thoughts to write about. :)

Today, I bought a book called “Strength for Today” by John MacArthur and I’m recommending it to anyone who wants more depth in their faith and more understanding of what the Scripture says.

Anyway, it’s a daily devotional book and I’m already 143 days late. So, I decided that I would read 7-10 days a day. Soon, I will be able to catch up, unlike other books I’ve bought and tried to finish, but weren’t as interesting as this. Okay, so I’m going to make this post short since it’s already late. :) [Time check 9:54 PM] :D

Day 19 or January 19 speaks about Christ’s Gentle example. Many people think that when Jesus was around, he was a gentle heart. He was; but, not the way most people think, I guess. He was gentle even when He was hurt or disrespected. He did not care about himself. He was neither selfish nor self-centered. But, when it was the Father who was dishonoured, he was furious. He was angered. {Read the Matthew 26-27 in the Bible to understand the story of Jesus at the Temple}

This is where my thoughts came in. I think we should be more sensitive on how and when we get mad. We must control ourselves and keep calm. We are imperfect. We may not appreciate criticisms, but we don’t really see ourselves from the outside, so it’s not proper for us to get mad if people say bad things about us.

It is only when our Father is violated that we must talk back and fight back. When we hear people claim the wrong things about our Creator, that’s when we really have to stand up and do something to make the True Words of our Father known. When people say that the bad is good, we should strongly oppose and state otherwise.

Another line that struck me in the passage was “Jesus forgave those who crucified Him. How can we do any less to those who hurt us?” WOW. I can super relate to this. I have so many pain and grudges against people. With all the pain they have caused me and all the changes they made in my life, I couldn’t help but think they are unforgiveable. But, if the Son is able to resist anger and forgive those who have caused him excruciating pain, shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t we?

I’m ending this with another question: If you have experienced the difficulty of asking for forgiveness from a dear friend, aren’t you supposed to understand those people who are asking forgiveness from you?

Ps. I know. I’m a very dynamic person. One day, I can be mad and cussing and furious and then the next day I’m talking about religious matters. :D Bipolar, remember? xD {Time check: 10:07 PM}

Queen Bee Is Busy~

Hmm. Too many things to do. Research. Review Center Classes. Reading load. And so much more..
It's so sad that I can't update this thing all of the time.
Anyway, whoever reads this or passes by, hope you find something uplifting or good.
K, bye. God bless. :)

Left Behind

Left behind

The choco just cooled

I left it standing alone

The window open

It was raining. I was editing some writings and had a cup of fat free cocoa milk in my hand. It was the perfect partner during such tearful weather; its warmth made me really comfortable even with the winds blowing through my hair.

Then, my mom called me to help her with PVZ. Yeah, I know. Why in the world is she playing such games? Well, it’s my silly brother’s fault. He introduced it to her and now she’s even more addicted to it as I was more than a year ago. (Smiles).

With all the fun I was having with PVZ, enjoying one of my favourite games before, I left my cocoa milk sitting in the cold. Sad. Alone. With nothing but the cold air taking away its warmth. I got guilty and now I’m writing this.

I wonder, since I’ve done this to my faithful cup of cocoa, have I done it unknowingly to people around me as well? Have I left people when they needed me? Have I abandoned those who wanted me to be with them at certain times of need? I hope not. I wish I haven’t. But, I guess, I’m not really sure.

I’m saying I hope I haven’t left people before because I know what it feels like for people to turn their back on you. It’s probably more painful that how I experienced it. Some leave you forever, but that’s life. Others leave you because they don’t want to look back. Their future seems to be brighter than their past. And they’re blinded by it. Huh, stupid, stinking fishes! **Pinoy proverb, remember?**

Okay. So, I’m going to take this opportunity to ask for an apology to anyone I’ve left, abandoned, forsaken, or whatsoever. Here goes:

Sorry. I know I can be heartless. I can be ruthless and dead-heartened.

But, I’m sorry now. I didn’t know. I was so busy think of myself and being selfish, that I forgot you. I’m sorry and I hope I can come back. I was blind.

I hope anyone who is in pain reads this, anyone who has felt how hard it is to be left behind without anyone to hold on to, and anyone who just needs to be cared for. Be brave. Be strong. I’ve been there before, but I’m here. God’s here.

Isipin mo na lang

Dahil nawalan ako ng napakaimportanteng bagay, masama ang loob ko. Sobra. Hindi maipinta ang mukha ko sobrang kunot at sobrang simangot. Parang napakalaking issue sa akin ang nangyari. Pero naisip ko:

Atleast hindi bahay ko ang nawala. Hindi kami nasunugan at walang nasaktan. Hindi naman ako nawalan ng mahal sa buhay.

Hindi ako gutom sa kalye at namamalimos. Hindi ko inaalala ang sakit ng tiyan at hindi ko pinag-iisipan kung saan ulit kukuha ng pera upang makakain. Hindi ako kapus-palad.

Wala akong cancer. Wala akong anumang malalang sakit na makakapagpaikli ng aking buhay. Marami pa akong panahon.

Hindi ako natutulog sa kalsada. Hindi ako natutulog sa simento. May kutsyon kami sa bahay at may unan akong yakap gabi-gabi.

Hindi ako lumaki sa bundok o sa lugar na malayo sa komunidad. Marunong ako at matalino. Isa akong iskolar at marami pa akong malalaman. Magaling ako at may maipagmamayabang na hindi nabibili ng pera o nanakaw sa tindahan.

Marunong akong mag-computer/laptop, mag-photoshop, gumamit ng digital camera, DSLR, microwave oven, mag-switch ng aircon, mag-internet, mag-blog, mag-plurk, mag-twitter, mag-Fb, manamit ng hindi baduy, nakakaintindi at nakakapagsalita ng English fluently, at idagdag niyo na lahat ng dala ng teknolohiya.

Atleast, panandalian lamang itong problema ko. Desisyon ko na kung magiging malungkot ako ng mahabang panahon. Pero, kung iisipin, marami pa akong magagawa.

May nanay akong nagmamahal sa akin. May kapatid akong nangungulit araw-araw. May mga kaibigan akong umiintindi. May mga kaaway akong backstabbers non-stop. May mga teacher akong nagmo-motivate. Meron din namang kinamumuhian ko (minsan). May mga naiingit sa akin. At may mga kina-iinggitan din ako. Sikat ako. Haha.

May Diyos ako. At takot ako.

Hindi naman namomroblema ang mga kaibigan ko, yung mga hindi kumukuha ng mga litrato at video kaya wala silang dapat mawala. Iisipin ko na lang, na wala akong kinuhang video, wala akong kinuhang litrato, wala akong nawala. Kunwari, ganun na lang.

Dahil lahat naman ng laman nun, ako ang kumuha, ako ang nagpinta, ako ang pinagmulan, kung nawala man lahat ng iyon, hindi naman nawala ang talento at abilidad ko.

Buti na lang at yun lang ang nawala sa akin. Tatlong taon lang naman yun eh at hindi nakakamatay. May mga taong lahat ng mga gawa nila ay nawala, lahat ng dalawampung-taon na pinaghirapan nila. May mga taong ibibigay ang kahit ano para malagay sa kinaroroonan ko. Maswerte pa ako.

At~

**drama mode** Kahit masakit man sa aking kaloob-looban na nangyari iyon na parang gusto ko na ring mawala, hindi ko maitatagong nangyari naman ang lahat ng iyon, hindi naman iyon imahinasyon, nakatatak na iyon sa isip ko at nakaukit sa panahon. Hindi ko man maaalala ang mga nangyari sa pagtingin sa mga litrato at video, nakatago naman sila sa isang silid sa isipan ko, sa hypothalamus man o sa amygdala, hindi sila mabubura. **the end**

Just a Ghost

Just when it was the darkest

You meet a man of your dreams

Unexpectedly charming you

He looks you into the eye and you smile

You can’t help but stare back at him

His eyes are a beautiful brown

It doesn’t take very long at all

You two fall in love

He comes every night to sing to you

His voice, a melody that envelopes you

Only he can sing like that

And put a smile on your face as you sleep

He brings flowers, too

And you accept each petal

He brings you sumptuous food

You eat together under the stars

One night, like always

He comes into your room

And he lands a kiss on you

That you will never forget at all

When you wake up

He is already gone and you think

Was it all a dream that he stayed

That he said goodbye already

That night you wait in vain

But he never came

You waited again for signs

But it always rained

One evening you just get tired

You lose all your hope

And then you remember

What those old ladies say

Have you met your ghost?

Nalulungkot

Naiiyak.

Nasasaktan.

Nalulungkot.

About the Phiremaker.

            Haha. It took me ten posts to finally get interested in creating an "About Me" entry. I got so interested in writing and now, it's longer than it should be. : ) Here it goes:

            Hi! The name is Miss Hanna Thea. Hanna comes from the bible which means “a gift from God”, which is what I think I am, most of the time. I come from the province of Princess Urduja and I speak Filipino, English, Pangasinense/Pangalatok, some Sarcasm and a bit of Profanity. I’m not so sure how to describe myself because sometimes I’m not even sure of myself at all. I would describe myself with the basic things that are pretty obvious already but I can hardly be accurate when it comes to a deep level.

            I celebrate my life on the 1^st of September and I’ve always been proud of this day. My birthstone is the blue Sapphire, the inspiration to the blog. **Phireworks** My zodiac sign says I am kind and sympathetic but like to criticize and point out people’s mistakes, which I do admit. I can be fun to be around, but I can be very secretive at times. I always want to keep myself hidden so I wouldn’t end up getting hurt or being meddled with. **Less interaction, less confusion, less heartaches.**

            I tend to bottle up my feelings in front of many people and release all the hurt into creations such as graphics, photos, poems, essays, and other stuff that I make. I hardly show my true emotions; I express all that I feel into all my work. This makes my creations very personal and unique, I think. I have good memory when it comes to little details.

            I love a wide array of things. I listen to different songs; I listen to any song that truly speaks to me and defines my feelings at the time. I read books here and there. I’ve read and loved the Twilight series. I love pillows! I enjoy a lot of food, too! ~Which probably explains the body that I have? Haha. I do my work well and I’m very confident; but sometimes, I get too confident that I don’t do work anymore (sadly). But, I’m often able to motivate my own self. A lot of quotes inspire me. I read them and share them on twitter and plurk.

            I want people to know me through my words and through what I explain, not with the things I do and the mistakes I make. I want to be an Oncologist someday, to save those little girls from a life that I lived. I want to be, most of all, an inspiration to those who are deciding to break apart instead of growing beautifully although painfully.~

            Gosh. I have so much more to say about what I want, what I like, what I feel, and all that, but if I continue writing, I would not be able to do all these wonderful things I waste my time on. (Smiling.) Okay. Bye for now. Thanks for reading anyway. 

All Goodbyes Hurt Like Hell

BYE BYE HD.

            If starting over means leaving everything about the past behind, then I don’t want to start over anymore (You’d get me if you’ve read my first post). Why is it that every time I want to try getting back up, I step on something, slide on it, and fall back down? Why is it that whenever I try to improve myself I would always find something that would tell me right to the face that I have no more to move forward? Why is it when I am most praying and hoping to God that he decides to take so much from my hands, when I already feel like I have nothing. My HD is the only thing that keeps my pride up because of all the data I have in it. Those data made me proud. They made me feel like I have something that others don’t. They made me think people would need me, that people would want something from me, that people would remember me as a person who helped them by providing data that reminded of beautiful moments and unforgettable events. Now, I just feel stupid and empty.

            I remember a quote that spoke “Everything, beautiful or tragic, has a purpose.” As much as it tears me to pieces, wala na akong magagawa. It crushes my heart when I remember all those that I lost. It was like three years of my life was erased. Those photos, videos, and documents are the only proof that those things actually happened in my life. And now, I feel like everything was just a dream. Nakakasakit ng ulo tuwing naaalala ko. (Please insert tears here. L) And of course, it makes me cry my eyes out.

            This, happening for the second time, just reminds me that just about anything can happen. It isn’t your choice what happens next. No amount of preparation can give you what you want.  No effort can get you there without God’s permission. God can put anything into your life. God can change it whenever He wants to and He always tests you in how you deal with it. He always tries to squeeze out all the good things out of you. He loves you so much and sometimes he gives you so much tough love, too. I often question myself: how much tough love I can take? How much squeezing can I endure? How much pain is left for me to carry? Is the series of bad things going to end or has it just begun?

            I’m so sick of all this madness around me. The confusion. The pain it brings my chest. The drastic changes that come and I can only cope with them if I numb my heart. One day, I would feel so good and full of life, and then the next day I would be dying of somebody’s constant, unending nagging, panunumbat, or backstabs. One day I start to feel okay, so I keep still and quiet, but then the next day, my stupid HD decides to give up on me and takes all my data with it (like a person I’m so in love with but is actually a treacherous thief and runs away stealing all that I own). One day, I feel so blessed, but the next days would seem to slam to my face that I’m helpless and nothing can help me now.

            Does anyone feel me? Does anyone even understand what I’m talking about? Does anyone care? I don’t want to be told that I’m not doing my best. I don’t want to be told that I screwed everything up. I don’t want to be told that I’m wrong. Sometimes, I just want to be told that I am amazing. Sometimes, I just want to be told that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes, I just want to be told that I can be right and that I deserve all that I have.

            Sadly, I'm pretty emotional these days. Even the little things start to bother me and I don't know why. I do pray every day and I go to church every Sunday, but I just am so sad since the breakdown. Anybody out there? Help me. :(