I am sad and broken-hearted

     There are those moments in your life that you don't expect to arrive or to happen. Sometimes, you don't even know they happen until you turn around and realize that everything else has changed with them. It sucks. So, so bad. Especially when that sort of things that happen in your life are completely irreversible.

     The most heart-breaking moment happened to me for the second time. I cried my eyes out when it first happened two years ago in an accident. Yesterday, my external hard drive decided to give up on me again. I almost broke down to tears, but maybe because I've experienced it before I didn't and I just sulked in the corner trying to figure out what I did wrong this time.

     I did not even drop the thing. I did not throw it. I did not open it up. I did not tamper with it. I did not meddle with it in whatsoever way. I am deeply in love with my external HD. I would not do anything to destroy it or break it. Three years worth of files including music, photos, videos, and documents are inside that hard drive and just to lose them in an instant makes me want do die with it. It was like those three years were taken from me and they might not come back.

     The first time this happened to me, I know it was my fault. I accidentally dropped it and thus the pressure killed the poor thing. I cried for hours when that happened and I remember people staring at me and wondering what had happened. That night, I felt so empty. I had more than eight gigabytes of photos and a few more gig of other documents and music. It was really tear-jerking and heart-crushing. I did not know what to do. It was a tragedy.

     Now, since I know that it was not of my misuse that the external drive crashed, we're bringing it to where we bought it so that we could be helped in fixing it and/or to get my data recovered. I want those data back and I don't really care right now whether it's going to be expensive or not. I just need them back. BADLY. Oh please, God, help me.

     To whoever is reading this, will you please pray for me? Thank you soo much. K, bye.

Nothing like the first time

     I’ve been really bored during the few days, so I asked people what they think I should do. Some said I should watch movies, but since I didn’t have new ones with me, I decided to try watching old movies that I had in my external HD. When I started, I kept on skipping from one movie to the next, but I can’t seem to be finishing any. Finally, I gave up. I realized some things are only wonderful the first time and there are so many things in life that are only exciting if you’ve never done it before such as reading a new book, eating exotic food, or creating an artwork that’s new.

     Maybe it’s because of the thrill and excitement of what will come of it that gets us going until the end. It does not bother us whether we should continue or not because we are too excited to find out to even wait. We are not conscious of going too far or falling into something since we have not passed that way before. It’s often the curiosity of what is going to come up next that makes us unafraid of stepping into unknown grounds.

     Then, on the second try, different things happen when we encounter the event again. If we have enjoyed it so much the first time, we would be too thrilled to get to the end that we skip the joy of going through every step of the process. We only want to get to the fun part and we forget that the difficult parts are important, too. Some people, on the other hand, would lose all excitement of the first try that they don’t even bother going through it again. This may be because they got frightened or got hurt the first time that they have developed a phobia instead.

     Either way, I think the lesson is that some things may not ever happen again. Or even if they do, the beauty of beginning and experiencing it for the first time disappears once you finally see what’s waiting for you on the other end of the journey. Few people would have the same enthusiasm for doing something for the second time. The emotion that the event or journey brings us during the first time has a different intensity the next time you try it. If it’s excitement, it may lessen; if it’s fear, it may strengthen.

     So, I think we should always enjoy the first time: first rollercoaster ride, first dance, first kiss, first love, first trip abroad, etc. It’s not just for the joy of it, but also because the first time cannot be changed. You can no longer put anything before it once it’s there. It can no longer be changed to the second or third. It will always be the first, no more, no less. //

Crazy little poems I make: Puzzled with love

A puzzled piece I am, with crooked edge
Unique beyond the eyes of those who see
Confused of what the others say I am
No place to show them what I really can
The picture isn’t clear what I must be
No peace of mind to see, no clarity
I only have much time, but time not free
I’m running out of time, much like a prix
No precious moment wasted with regret
Each time too costly, squander with no fret
Though much like every puzzle that I know
Just bit by bit, my little world will grow
And all that I must do is find my pair
Our perfect match is best, our life we’d share

Crazy little poems I make

   So, you may have heard of the movie Crazy Little Thing Called Love; well, I was inspired :)). I have these poems in my computer that I have written at least 6 months ago or so. It was a silly time when I had to deal with so much crap and drama because of love and friendship.

    Many people experience love, the kind of love that fills you with kilig vibes, makes you skip your meals and leaves you smiling in your sleep even when the day wasn’t so perfect. It was also that kind of love, along with the drama and separation that came with it, that inspired me to write these poems that are a product of my emotions.

    I haven’t fallen deeply in love yet, but the kind of love I experienced was one that shook my little world. I was young and there were many times that I did not have a clue on what to do. It was every bit how people who got their hearts broken described it. But, the good things that came out of it were life lessons, a stronger heart, experience and a series of poems.

    I think my poems say a lot. I think they describe deep emotions that only erupt when you reach the peak of that crazy thing called Love. And to be honest, love is truly one heck of a ride, so you have to hold on or you’d be taken away by it.

    I shall be posting my poems one by one. Tell me what you think, thanks. :>

Pieces of my heart

     Maybe some things never last. But, come to think of it, the things that don't last are the things that were never really meant to be. Maybe I never had love stories that lasted, but at least they have taught me that God always finds a way to put a piece of love into my life. Sometimes he takes it away, but takes it back... just because he found a piece that will fit much better. And when he can't find a big piece, he finds little pieces of love so that my life is filled with little, but many good things. So that when he has to take something away, I won't lose something so big, and so great a part of my life, but a few little pieces. That might not hurt as much. *Sigh*

     What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. 
     Mark 10:9

Dear best friend

Dear best friend,

I miss you like hell. Every single day I miss you, your smile, hugs, laugh and jokes. I need you in my life like I need my sister and mom. You just have to believe it yourself, and not to mention believe in yourself. I don’t say this just because I feel like I have to, it’s because I need to, and I want you to know this. I miss you so much. And to the things that I told you last summer, I must say that it was a total mistake. I don’t love you like that. Or, I do, but I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I just want your loving friendship, our loving friendship. What really hurts me, is that you never answered, never even texted me. You could have said something, just left a text saying you were sorry that I felt like that or whatever. But the thing was, I never felt like that. I just missed you so much that I thought I loved you. I thought the feeling I got was out of love, the real love. I was so wrong, and I lost you because of it. It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. They say that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Well, now I do. It kills me to see you now, the way you act around other people, around my friends and me. I don’t see anything of the old you, only a new and totally insecure you needing a real friend. I want to be that friend. I want to help you. I know this sounds really creepy, but sometimes I even dream of you. We’re friends again, everything is so good and peaceful, and I don’t even have to worry about your uptight girlfriend. Then when I wake up, I’m sadder than ever. I try so hard to fall asleep again and just picture us together laughing and feeling so safe and calm. But it’s just a dream, and I go to school and you don’t even look at me. It breaks me inside. I want what’s best for you in your life. I hope you know that. I just wish I could be a part of it.

Yours always.

 thanks to, leloveimage.blogspot.com.

       I found this a little while ago, and I just suddenly missed my ex-best friend so much. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing right now, I miss you so much. I hope you're doing fine. I hope you keep your dreams with you. I hope you find what you were looking for. I hope you stay the same. I hope you're safe. You will always be a part of me. God bless you.

      The passage was beautiful, like words that did not know how to come out of my mouth. It's crazy how big the world is, and yet a million people can experience the same things. God is really amazing. K, bye.

Goodbye.

            AJ Perez. Until now, I can’t get over his passing away. I wasn't so into him then and I am not a big fan either. But it’s such a tragic event that no expected to happen so soon. He was so alive and even singing just a few hours earlier in Dagupan. I knew he was a very sweet boy when I saw him in past interviews and such. How sad that he had to leave so soon. In just one turn of the stirring wheel, he was gone. And he’s never coming back. Naisip ko lang, ang ironic ng role niya sa Sabel. ‘Di ba siya yung nagseminaryo/nagpari? Ngayon, tuluyan na siyang kinuha ni God. :((

            I looked up what really happened in the accident and it says in the news that the van he was in overtook another vehicle and, not seeing the big Partas bus, smashed right into it.

            I wonder how things would have been if the driver did not choose to overtake that other vehicle. Would AJ still be alive? Would he be continuing his other shows and appearances today? Sobrang nakakapanghinayang mawala ang isang taong marami pa sanang magandang magagawa, lalo na kapag aksidente lang ang pagkawala niya.

            'Overtake pa kasi. Maybe, kung naghintay na lang si kuya driver eh di walang masamang nangyari. Hindi sana sila sumalpok sa bus. Hindi sana nagka-head injuries si kuya AJ. His ribs would not have pierced through his heart and lungs. Hindi sana mawawala ang isa sa mga ABS-CBN stars na hinahangaan ng marami.

            Oo. Super affected ako kahit hindi naman kami close ni AJ. Well, I empathize; it’s not just sympathy  for his family and friends that I feel. I know what it feels to lose someone so important to you, but did not have enough chance to be with—he was only eighteen years old, just three years older than me. Few years pa lang 'yon kung iisipin mo, very short time pa ‘yun para makapiling siya ng mga parents niya. Kawawa naman sila, yung anak pa nilang artista ang nawala, masakit yun ah. At kahit gaano pa sila kayaman ngayon, they probably feel like they've lost so much.

            Naisip ko tuloy, what if sa life, ganun din? What if we just wait for our turn na lang? What if we just let the others go ahead of us? What if we just let them win instead of trying to overtake at unahan sila? Hindi naman isang race ang buhay, di ba? Makakarating din naman tayo, ‘di ba? Mauuna lang sila ng konte. But after that, we will all be safe and sound in our destination.

            Ngayon, hanggang prayers na lang tayo for his soul. He will be in a better place, at least. He will be with God na. Hindi naman na natin mababawi ang buhay niya eh. Goodbye, Antonello Joseph Sarte Perez. Rest in perpetual peace.*

[Space] bar

    How many times have you used the spacebar when typing a comment on a friend’s post? How about when typing a biography or a short story you are making? What difference does the spacebar make, really? It’s simply to make a space between two things, and often times, it’s necessary to make the story look better. Every line and sentence has one or more spaces; some words even have spaces.

    In life, we use our own virtual spacebars. I have used the spacebar so many times already. The spacebar in my life, left spaces between me and many of the people I know. Sometimes, I just have to put space in a relationship, maybe to make things better. There is space in “letting go” or in “making peace”. But, often times, these spaces are not seen or not recognized by the people who see it, often because it makes the image better, the view looks more put together.

    These spaces can only be seen or felt by the people who make it and those involved. The spaces we put in our lives may make things easier for us; our lives become more intact though there are gaps hidden in between. Like this paragraph you’re reading, it only becomes whole and complete with spaces. So what would life be without gaps once in a while?

    Life seems so difficult to complete because we try to fit all the things we want; we try to make every relationship work and to keep everyone happy. We tend to omit the idea that space is essential. You wouldn’t want to end up stuck in a room crowded with people, right? People in it would feel the heat if it’s crammed full, no space for breathing. Then, the only option would be for one or more persons to leave the room and find some place else. On the other hand, it wouldn’t be comfortable if no one shares your life, there would be too much space. It’s so complicated, but that’s just how life works.Well, my life, that is.

    There are some those examples that show where life needs spaces, and where gaps are unnecessary: “family”, “friendship”, “love life”, “being happy”. The next time I type something into my life, I would have to remember spaces. Maybe I’ll remember that only space can finish a sentence and that someone who can’t sacrifice space to be happy ends up “unhappy”.

Summer Starting Over

Summer. Haah. The word makes all the feelings of past summers come flooding back like a dam that was suddenly opened. Maybe I don't want to feel those things again. Or maybe I do. I've had some sweet moments then, but the bitter ones seem to overpower the sweet flavors. I wish I could make them all disappear, but they won't. Ha-ha.

I want to make this summer a different one. A memorable one. I want to make new experiences that I will cherish later, not memories that will haunt me. I want a new pair of shoes. I want to eat new things. I want to meet new, better friends. I want to visit new places. I want to redefine myself. I want to start over. To find an exciting, new life. To find new meaning in things, the deeper, more substantial meanings. To see matters through different eyes. To rethink. To realize.

Maybe I'm going overboard with my expression. Haha. But, it's true. I'm hoping this blog helps me find myself, too. I've started numerous blogs before, but I never really got to make them last. I'm hoping this one will, as I rebuild myself by posting my thoughts and reactions towards the things happening to my life, our country, our world. And of course, with it, I want to enjoy this summer to the fullest as well.


So help me, God. :))